We lost something. I was recently pregnant, and then I wasn’t. It happened just like that, over the course of 24 hours. I wasn’t that far along, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t already deeply in love with the tiny baby growing inside of me. We are now coping with the loss, and I wanted to memorialize it in some way. So I’m writing a letter, the same way I do to Lucy every year on her birthday. Feel free to skip this post if it’s too much. It’s just my way of remembering and processing.
Dear tiny baby,
I found out about you a few weeks ago, when you were a tiny sesame seed package of cells, quickly multiplying. I felt my body changing to accommodate you, and I loved feeling that same way I did when I was pregnant with Lucy. Whit and I were so excited. We couldn’t wait to welcome a second child into our little family! By the time you left us, your gender, hair color, and eye color had already been determined. I wonder if you would have been a sister or a brother to Lucy. You were starting to develop a nose and eyes, and you were already connected to my bloodstream. And just like that, you were gone. In my brain, I know that something genetically just didn’t add up. My body did what it is meant to do, and spared you further pain and harm by letting you go. But in my heart, I feel a deep loss. A deep longing for the little one I never got to meet. We are heartbroken.
Did you know you would have had a big sister? Lucy is awesome!! She is funny, smart, and quite perceptive. She knew about you even before I did. She said one day, “I not have manyo (mama milk) anymore, mama. That’s for the baby.” She will be a great big sister one day. I mourn for her the loss, too, even though she doesn’t comprehend it.
I know your tiny spirit lives on in some way. I still feel you in my body, even though the ultrasound showed that you were physically no longer there. I already loved you, from the first moment we found out about you. And I’m thankful for that very brief time I got to have you be a part of me. We will move forward, but we won’t forget. We will always feel a loss. With love…